Perfectly Imperfect

I want to start this post by saying that if you are looking for the newest diabetic role model to show you all of the “tips and tricks” to getting that A1C under a 6.0, you have got the wrong girl. I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong way to handle living with Type 1 Diabetes, and what has worked for me in the past or is working for me now, might not work for others. I am here to share my thoughts, and want my readers to also share theirs. With that in mind, let’s jump in!

I want to address the blood sugar numbers in the room. The 322 after eating that amazing lomein from your favorite Chinese restaurant. The 57 when you responsibly pre bolused for a meal that filled you up too quickly to finish. The straight-line hovering between 185 and 203 that no amount of insulin can push below that line into your “in range” bracket. To your numbers I want to say, bravo!

Weird right? Why would Brielle be praising “bad numbers?” Well, because I really don’t believe in them anymore. I used to be really preoccupied with getting the “perfect number” by having my blood sugars in range all the time. I used to compare myself to others on the internet when they shared their success. The “unicorn number,” you know – 100, seemed so far out of reach for me that when I did get that number, I felt the need to screenshot it on my phone to document the momentous occasion. The problem with this is that eventually I got so tired of obsessing over my numbers and comparing myself to strangers on the internet. When I looked at the numbers my CGM was reporting, I was just sad and exhausted. I began to feel alone in my struggle.

Following a strict diet, obsessively counting carbohydrates, timing a pre bolus down to the second, those were all things that I did to try and improve my health and wellness. That might work for some people, but it didn’t work for me. For me to no longer feel inadequate, I needed to let it all go. If having Type 1 Diabetes taught me anything in my life, it was to love myself and do what felt right for me, even if that meant imperfection. I began to embrace the imperfection, and celebrate my victories whether they had to do with diabetes or not. Allow me to explain…

1. That lomein I talked about at the beginning of this post. I treated myself to one of my favorite meals. I added broccoli, my favorite vegetable. I bloused and it wasn’t enough, or maybe I should have done the dual wave. Instead of obsessing on what I should have done differently, I correct my 322, and move on. I am feeling satisfied from my meal and happy that I chose to treat myself.
2. So I got full a little too quickly at lunch because I ate breakfast late. Now it’s an hour later and I am seeing that red number 57 on my phone from my CGM. I slow down and drink some juice, and thank myself for even remembering to pre bolus for my meal in the first place.
3. I am really not feeling well and my blood sugars are showing it. For some reason, I can’t get below 185, and the small corrections I am giving myself are not doing anything, or are they? I remember that when I am sick, my blood sugars get really out of control, and I thank my body for the warning. I also remember that while those corrections aren’t bringing my blood sugar to where I want it to be, they are preventing it from increasing. I focus on taking care of my symptoms as they come, and not on the anxiety of hovering numbers.

Am I saying this sort of thing is easy to do? One-hundred and ten percent, no. Am I saying “oh just chill out and it will be fine?” One-hundred and twenty percent, no. Am I asking you to drop your worries about having a few bad days on your lifelong journey with Type 1 Diabetes? Two-hundred percent yes. For me, hyper focusing on every little thing that is wrong in my life creates more stress on my body than being 250 for a couple of hours. I would much rather embrace my ever fluctuating, no two days are the same, body. I am able to recognize when something is unhealthy, and fix it. More importantly, I don’t feel I need validation from anyone.

All of this to say that I think it is really important for us to take a step back from what we are reading on the internet, and really think about what we are seeing. Glimpses of people’s lives shared when they feel it looks perfect enough to put out there for the world to see. It is only a moment in time. My struggles, and everyone else’s for that matter, are so much bigger than that. They span weeks into months into years and they are a lifetime long. Don’t get caught up in the perfection of it all. In the world of Type 1 Diabetes, no one has it right all the time. I would even go so far as to say no one has it right even ¾ of the time. The best thing we can do it try our best to take care of ourselves and life live to its fullest.

Embrace the imperfections. I did, and that is when I began to feel complete.